The Varanasi weight loss plan...

We’ve just returned from a very jolly Easter weekend in Varanasi. The holy city (also known as Benares) is on the banks of the Ganges and Hindus believe it is auspicious if you die there, as you avoid the cycle of rebirth. So yes, effectively it’s the city of death and disease, as many people pre-warned us we would get sick if we went. But never one to turn down an adventure, it took us three simple steps to discover you never come back from Varanasi your (whole) self...

Step #1 Travel on the Ghost Train. The Indian Railway System, an adventure in itself. Despite booking early, we appeared to be Waitlisted on the superior Shiv Ganga Express, so 24 hours before leaving we rebooked to guarantee leaving town at all. The problem was the train we booked was a new service nobody knew about when we arrived at New Delhi station. It did not appear on the boards, nobody at the counters knew about it and the chances of finding any type of railway employee is slim to anorexic if they are not behind 8” plexiglass with throngs of men shouting at them. It was by chance someone vaguely pointed us in the direction of Platform 9, we charged down the stairs, to see our train slowly chugging out of the station...

So like three Edwardian ladies departing on a grand tour aboard the midnight sleeper to Florence, we started yelping and waiving luggage expecting someone to help us, and then running after it. It was more Die Hard than A Room with A View as we leapt onboard, clinging on with our dear lives. But we made it, burning a few calories on the way. Sadly our train did not live up to its new status. There was no food available and by 10pm our bedding had not arrived so we were hungry and shivered in the AC. No one slept well as, we had an attempted bag snatch on one of our bunks, the train appeared not to fit the tracks so violently lurched the moment sleep visited and we were paranoid we would wake up in Bihar, Naxalite (Maoist rebels) territory, a seriously badass region which is best not visited at night. Anyway, we arrived in one piece shaken but not stirred to await the delights of Varanasi.

Step #2 Visit Varanasi when it’s the hottest place in India. It was hot. Really hot. Delhi had been hitting 40° before we left but we arrived to 43° by 10am. The temperature was probably not helped by the fact we’d decided to stay budget so not get an AC room and I’d managed to choose the guesthouse closest to the burning ghat. The burning ghat sounds slightly romantic with an Olympicesque eternal flame. It’s actually a big bonfire. Where they burn bodies. It’s going 24hrs and every time you walk past you need to avoid being hit by the heat and a funeral parade with the body wrapped up and being carried on high through the narrow streets.

The place is very beautiful, the Ganges snakes through and a rooftop view reminds you of a Canaletto painting, with passenger laden boats rowing their way along. It’s also very dirty, in a charming Medieval squalor way. The streets are very narrow, with roving livestock from cows, goats, buffalos, motorbikes, trustafarian travellers (plus the odd dead body hoisted through) as well as Hindu pilgrims. We stayed out of the sun as much as we could, its hard work not to burn a few calories in the heat walking up and down to the ghats as the old city seems to be built on stairs. We went on a dawn and dusk boat ride which was beautiful, watched the sunset puja (offering) and life on the river. We also went shopping for the famed Benares Silk. It was shopping heaven as we nested for 4 hours at one shop and drooled over reams of silk, oohing and ahhing over cups of chai and even got to try on a few saris. Of course we also ate lots of Western food to suit the backpacker crowd and some street delights such as lassi, which perhaps was our downfall when it came to Step #3 in the weight loss plan...

Step #3 Get the cursed Benares Bug. So far, I’ve been extremely lucky not to get the infamous Delhi Belly, but it had to strike once and of course before boarding a 16hr train home. Once again we appeared to be Waitlisted, but this time we ended up getting downgraded to 3rd class. The train wasn’t so bad and it was my decision to choose the upper third bunk for privacy in my moments of gut wrenching agony. I now know what it’s like to live on a submarine. I also had not calculated my need to spend most of the train journey in the 3rd class squat loo. So between alpine hikes up to my bed, abseiling down and then toning my power thighs to Fatima Whitbread style proportions embracing said squat loo, I returned fairly toned.

It’s taken 4 days of antibiotics, one injection in my right buttock to stop the vomiting and I’m now through the worse. Never fear, with regards to weight loss I’m no Cheryl Cole (think a toned early 80s Cheryl Baker, I could proudly display my pins if a Velcro skirt was required) and looking forward to eating again, being back in the land of the living – I guess it’s all part of the India Experience...

Highlights: I really don’t want to think about food, but thank you for the humongous postal Easter chocolate donations from home that arrived in the last few days – they are slightly melty but greatly appreciated and will be devoured, getting our AC fitted – I can’t tell you how good it feels, being bought a get well soon present of a bottle of Ribena – blackcurrant Vitamin C goodness heal my body now please, being in my bathroom – ‘nuff said..!